Who am I now? I ask that question often of my clients. They are doing such good work in healing their wounds, creating new skills and resources, hoping, praying that they will find an answer that they 'like' to that question: who am I now? Because if you reflect over your lifespan you will come to realize that you have been changing all along! Maybe without being aware of it - like the person in the paper bag!
So what? you may think. Why is it important for me to know or to understand consciously that I am changed, I have changed...and I will continue to change and grow until I die? And even then, at the last moments of life there might be thoughts of: oh I wish I could have more time, have done this or created that. Hopefully you will not have regrets or things left undone, but apologies made, love and connection really felt..in your heart and in your body, and a sense of a life well-lived.
But back to the 'who am I now' question. And why is it coming to me now? Well for one thing, as I was moving this morning to some Gabrielle Roth music www.5rhythms.com/ I was reflecting on why I was moving to 5-Rhythms music at 8 in the morning? Well because who I am now is a co-teacher for my beloved home and tribe, www.wellness-institute.org/ and I have been asked to be a presenter at their national conference in August in Cleveland, Ohio! content.wellness-institute.org/conference-2018?utm_campaign=Conference%202018&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--ItV_kLZzEMm1uAt3Nc7GeEBIGG6TBxKCUlDyn38macWDKpEJizxj8bTWeiHtLIpg8Korh
Yikes! Who am I now that I have been asked to do this? I can reflect on many of the changes I have experienced since 2005 within myself as I ask myself this question:
- Knowing, understanding and healing my prenatal experience, including cleaning a toxic womb, so that I have new tools to use in my life;
- Realizing how much and for how long (years) I would move unconsciously to the parasympathetic end of the Autonomous Nervous System, going numb, disappearing (often literally), isolating, sleeping...eating...not expressing - being in parasympathetic shock;
- Learning how my body sensed and reacted to 'danger' ( real, perceived or imagined ) and going into parasympathetic shock, and most importantly, knowing how, by paying attention to the sensations in my body, I could stay present;
- Realizing that I felt, as early as I can remember, as if I had been 'exiled from heaven' and therefore always had one foot in this world and one foot in the other ( heaven, home or however your heart knows it ). But with one foot 'not here' I was never fully present for life, for my children, my partners...for anyone, including me! How being able to plant both feet here, to slow down my life and interactions, I could connect. Really connect. ( I am still learning this one. )
- Allowing myself to have needs and be seen. My prenatal experience was fraught with uncertainty. With that uncertainty I began to believe/know that in this life my needs would be secondary to other's needs. And that the very best way I could survive - quite literally - would be to be invisible. To disappear like I noted above. So...allowing myself to have and claim my needs has been a huge leap and often scary. And to allow myself to be seen, to be heard...in a very different way than I had for years, was a new, unique and scary experience. As my healing journey has progressed I have met my needs for expression, within and without my healing tribe, by moving. No words. No sounds. Just me moving, sometimes drumming...just being me.
And so dear readers, I imagine that for most of you the above information might be surprising as today I feel free to move, dance, make sounds...be a little crazy. Be seen. And, with great joy I can claim who I am now. I can be who I am now. AND, and...it has been a journey!
Much love. If you have been wondering who you are now, feel free to contact me: 360-432-1236.