Who am I now? I ask that question often of my clients. They are doing such good work in healing their wounds, creating new skills and resources, hoping, praying that they will find an answer that they 'like' to that question: who am I now? Because if you reflect over your lifespan you will come to realize that you have been changing all along! Maybe without being aware of it - like the person in the paper bag!
So what? you may think. Why is it important for me to know or to understand consciously that I am changed, I have changed...and I will continue to change and grow until I die? And even then, at the last moments of life there might be thoughts of: oh I wish I could have more time, have done this or created that. Hopefully you will not have regrets or things left undone, but apologies made, love and connection really felt..in your heart and in your body, and a sense of a life well-lived.
But back to the 'who am I now' question. And why is it coming to me now? Well for one thing, as I was moving this morning to some Gabrielle Roth music www.5rhythms.com/ I was reflecting on why I was moving to 5-Rhythms music at 8 in the morning? Well because who I am now is a co-teacher for my beloved home and tribe, www.wellness-institute.org/ and I have been asked to be a presenter at their national conference in August in Cleveland, Ohio! content.wellness-institute.org/conference-2018?utm_campaign=Conference%202018&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--ItV_kLZzEMm1uAt3Nc7GeEBIGG6TBxKCUlDyn38macWDKpEJizxj8bTWeiHtLIpg8Korh
Yikes! Who am I now that I have been asked to do this? I can reflect on many of the changes I have experienced since 2005 within myself as I ask myself this question:
- Knowing, understanding and healing my prenatal experience, including cleaning a toxic womb, so that I have new tools to use in my life;
- Realizing how much and for how long (years) I would move unconsciously to the parasympathetic end of the Autonomous Nervous System, going numb, disappearing (often literally), isolating, sleeping...eating...not expressing - being in parasympathetic shock;
- Learning how my body sensed and reacted to 'danger' ( real, perceived or imagined ) and going into parasympathetic shock, and most importantly, knowing how, by paying attention to the sensations in my body, I could stay present;
- Realizing that I felt, as early as I can remember, as if I had been 'exiled from heaven' and therefore always had one foot in this world and one foot in the other ( heaven, home or however your heart knows it ). But with one foot 'not here' I was never fully present for life, for my children, my partners...for anyone, including me! How being able to plant both feet here, to slow down my life and interactions, I could connect. Really connect. ( I am still learning this one. )
- Allowing myself to have needs and be seen. My prenatal experience was fraught with uncertainty. With that uncertainty I began to believe/know that in this life my needs would be secondary to other's needs. And that the very best way I could survive - quite literally - would be to be invisible. To disappear like I noted above. So...allowing myself to have and claim my needs has been a huge leap and often scary. And to allow myself to be seen, to be heard...in a very different way than I had for years, was a new, unique and scary experience. As my healing journey has progressed I have met my needs for expression, within and without my healing tribe, by moving. No words. No sounds. Just me moving, sometimes drumming...just being me.
And so dear readers, I imagine that for most of you the above information might be surprising as today I feel free to move, dance, make sounds...be a little crazy. Be seen. And, with great joy I can claim who I am now. I can be who I am now. AND, and...it has been a journey!
Much love. If you have been wondering who you are now, feel free to contact me: 360-432-1236.
Six months ago, January 19, 2018, was the last night of my very first Anxiety Support Group.
That night we talked about and shared how we do (or don't do) 'self-care', holistically. Not just bodily self-care, but heart, mind, soul....messiness within and without, not paying attention to finances, not connecting with others...maybe isolating or withdrawing. Professional/work life. Spirituality. Play???
I guided the group through a meditation into their future and then asked them to write a "Letter to Me". Once each participant had completed their "Letter to Me", they put the letter in an envelope, sealed it, addressed it to themselves and gave the envelope to me. I put a stamp on each one and marked the date (six months in the future) that I would send them their "Letter to Me"!
And today is the day! First...six months has gone by. Secondly, I am so curious as to how each participant will react and feel when they read the letter they wrote.
What is in the letter you might ask? It begins with an acknowledgement of how hard the person has been working on themselves. The next question is: In the next six months I would like to make the following changes in my life by adding, slowly and with self-compassion, the following activities, practices or projects ( this could mean starting something or letting something go ).
The letter goes on to ask what the person would like more of, and finally what they would like less of.
If I was going to open a letter I composed six months ago, on the last night of my first Anxiety Support Group, I would say: I have been working on facilitating a group for healing, management, self-compassion and inner peace for a long time. I would make the following changes by adding a support group or half-day workshop for family members of people with anxiety issues, and by adding a healing and support group around recognizing and amplifying personal resilience, using both the Adult Childhood Adverse Experiences information and the Resiliency questionnaire at acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/.
What would your letter to you say if you wrote it now and opened it six months from now? How long have you been working on you? What changes would you make? What do you want more of? And less of?
You deserve. You may not know it...I know it about you. You deserve.
Contact me for a free consultation.
I just recorded this 11-minute video to help people release anxiety and relax in a beautiful place:
the ocean! Enjoy!